


I need you (even if it hurts)

by orphan_account



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Unrequited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-09
Updated: 2014-02-09
Packaged: 2018-01-11 16:29:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1175269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It took three years but every wall was down and Jim fell in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I need you (even if it hurts)

Jim Kirk had never been in love. He learned from an early age, too early to even remember, that it’s not safe to get attached. It’s not safe to care, it’s not safe to like people, to let them in, so he never did. But then he was talked into enlisting in Starfleet and that shuttle ride to San Francisco was the first moment of three years that would peel every carefully constructed layer he’d wrapped around himself, and the person to do it was his best friend.

Leonard McCoy was easy to talk to. He put up that wall of eternal annoyance at everything and everyone but he let it down around Jim. There was no point in keeping it up, anyway, not after all that over-sharing the day they met. And, most importantly, he was there. 

He was there to drag Jim out of the bar when he’d had too much to drink. He was there when he locked himself in his dorm on his birthday, overriding the code and ignoring every grunt of protest to leave him alone. He very well knew when Jim really meant that and when he didn’t. It was Bones, he never did.

He was there to congratulate him on every aced exam and he was there to assure him it wasn’t the end of the world when he didn’t do so well.

He was there for the Kobayashi Maru. He was there for the second try. He was there for the third. He’d never admit it but he was proud of the kid, and he was definitely one to appreciate the casual ‘fuck you’ to the Academy.

He was there to get Jim on the Enterprise with him even if it meant getting one of those godawful hypos jabbed into his neck and about twelve new allergic reactions he had the pleasure of experiencing for the first time.

He was there for the ceremony where he was officially made Captain of the Enterprise and he was there to indulge him on one last stupid trip to a bar to celebrate afterwards.

Jim was always there for him too, and God knows Leonard needed it, and he knew that, he knew Bones needed him. He loved him and he knew he loved him too. 

It took three years but every wall was down and Jim fell in love. He felt safe enough to allow himself that, Bones wasn’t going to leave him. Hell, he went to space with him, for him. Jim Kirk was in love with Leonard McCoy and he was going to let it be known to him.

They were out on the observation deck, as they did whenever they wanted some peace and quiet. The low hum of the engines was somehow softened by the view, the one Jim always loved and the same Leonard learned not to hate. 

"Bones."

"Hm."

"I love you."

He quirked an eyebrow up and smiled softly at Jim.

"You gettin’ sentimental on me? I love you too, kid, you know that."

"No, Bones… I mean, yeah, I love you but… I mean, I’m in love with you."

"Jim…" Leonard’s mind raced to find the right words, to get this out the best way he could manage. He tried to keep his expression neutral but soft, turning around fully to face him. "Jim, I will always, always be there for you. No matter what. I promise you that. I’ll make sure you live the happiest life you can live, hell, I’ll even bring you back from the dead if your recklessness ever gets to that." Leonard chuckled and Jim managed a smile even through his now glistening eyes. "And I love you, Jim, I really do, just… not like that. I honestly don’t think I’m capable of it anymore."

They stood in silence for a few seconds. Jim’s eyes were fixed on the floor as Bones scanned him for something, anything to let him know what he should say next, if he should say anything at all. 

"I’m sorry."

"Nothing to apologize for, Bones." He glanced up at him for a second before blinking to let the tears fall. "Can’t choose how you feel."

"I will stay as close as you want me to, as close as you let me. You’re my best friend, but I won’t be selfish. If you want me to stay away…"

"No, I need you. Even if it hurts, I need you."

"I’m sorry, Jim. I really am. I just can’t…"

"Bones, don’t. Just don’t."

Jim was swaying a bit on his feet, hesitant, and Leonard pulled him into a hug. Slowly, with enough room for Jim to back away if he wanted to.

He didn’t, but that was the last time he let him that close.

That was the last time Jim let his wall down, for Bones or anyone else.

That was the first moment of five years Jim spent relearning that it’s not safe to get attached, it’s not safe to care, it’s not safe to let people in. No matter how many times Bones tried to. And no matter how many times he brought him back from the dead, and no matter how many times Jim asked him not to next time.


End file.
